Civic Engagement and the Restoration of Community
Six
Conversations That Matter
SM
The
Questions
There are
five language actions which, when taken in the presence of others,
create community and shift the public debate. These are:
To declare a possibility
To take ownership – “I created
the world I live in”
To say no authentically
To make a promise with no
expectation of return
To declare the gifts we and
others bring to the room
Each
of the conversations is created through its own set of questions.
One: The Conversation for Possibilities
Traditionally we problem solve and talk about goals,
targets, resources, and talk about persuading others.
Problem solving needs to be postponed and replaced with
possibility. The future is created through a declaration of what is the
possibility we stand for. Out of this declaration, each time we
enter a room, the possibility enters with us.
Possibilities, though begun as individual declaration,
and gain power and impact community when made public.
The best opening question for possibility is:
What is
the crossroads that you find yourself at this stage of your life or work
or the project around which we are assembled?
Later, the final individual question for possibility will
be:
What
declaration of possibility can you make that has the power to transform
the community and inspire you?
The communal question for possibility is:
What do we want to
create together that would make the difference?
Two: The Conversation for
Ownership
Ownership is the decision to become the author of our own
experience. It is to be cause rather than effect. The willingness to
bring our own value to what we participate in.
People
enter each room believing that someone else owns the room, the meeting
and the purpose that convened the meeting. Leadership needs to change
this.
We
want to shift to the belief that this world, including this gathering,
is ours to construct together. The contract moves from parenting to
partnership. Also we want to move towards the position that each of us
is creating the current condition.
We
begin by shifting the ownership of the room.
The
Four Questions that renegotiate the social contract are to ask people to
rate on a seven point scale, from low to high:
How
valuable an experience (or project) do you plan this to be?
How much
risk are you willing to take?
How participative do you plan to be?
To what
extent are you invested in the well being of the whole?
People answer these individually, then share their
answers in a small group. Be sure to remind them not to cheer anyone up
or be helpful. Just get interested in whatever the answer.
At some later point, the essential question upon which
accountability hinges needs to be asked:
What have
I done to contribute to the very thing I complain about or want to
change?
Three: The Conversation for
Dissent
“No” is
the beginning of the conversation for commitment. If we
cannot say no, our yes means little. Early in every gathering, there
needs to be space for dissent.
It is the
public expression of doubts, authentic statements of “no” that shifts a
culture and builds accountability and commitment. We will let go of only
those doubts that we have given voice to.
When
someone authentically says no, then the room becomes real and
trustworthy. An authentic statement is one in which the person owns that
the dissent is their choice and not a form of blame or complaint.
The fear is that we will make people more negative by
making room for refusal. If people say no, it does not mean they will
get their way.
Saying no
doesn’t cost us our membership in the meeting or in the community.
Encourage those who say no to stay – you need their voice.
It is important to make the
distinction between authentic dissent and inauthentic dissent, which we
can call false refusal. Inauthentic forms of refusal are denial,
rebellion, and resignation.
Denial
means we act as if the present is fine and a longing to return to a
world that never existed.
Rebellion is in reaction to the world and is a vote for dominion
or patriarchy. It is a complaint that others control the monarchy
and not the rebels.
Resignation is the ultimate act of powerlessness and a stance
against possibility. It is also a passive form of control.
The challenge is to frame the
questions in a way that the dissent is authentic. If it comes back
as denial, rebellion or resignation, all we can do is recognize it, not
argue, and give attention to dissent in its more authentic form.
Some questions for the expression of dissent:
What doubts and reservations do you have?
What do you
want to say No to, or refuse, that you keep postponing?
What have you said Yes to, that you do not really mean?
What is a
commitment or decision that you have changed your mind about?
What
forgiveness are you withholding?
What
resentment do you hold that no one knows about?
Four: The Conversation for
Commitment
Commitment is a promise made without expectation of return and without
an investment in the approval of other people’s responses.
The
declaration of a promise is the form that commitment takes and is the
action that initiates change.
It is one
thing to set a goal or objective, but something more personal to use the
language of promises. Consider two kinds of promises:
My
behavior and actions with others
Results and outcomes for community
Promises that matter are made to peers – those colleagues at the local
level with whom we have to live out the intentions of the change. It is
to these people that we give our commitments, and it is they who decide
if our offer is enough – for the person and for the institution.
Promises
are sacred. They are the means by which we choose accountability.
We become
accountable the moment we make them public.
Write the
promises by hand, sign and date them. Then collect and publish the whole
set. About once a quarter, meet and ask, “How’s it going?”
The key
questions are those we have to ask ourselves.
What promises am I willing to
make?
What
measures have meaning to me?
What price
am I willing to pay?
What is
the cost to others for me to keep my commitments, or fail in my
commitments?
What’s the
promise I’m willing to make that constitutes a risk or major shift for
me?
A note: “I
am willing to make no promise at this moment” is a fine and acceptable
stance.
Five: The
Conversation of Gifts
Change and an alternative future occur by capitalizing on
our gifts and capacities. Bringing the gifts of those on the margin into
the center. This is a definition of community.
When we look at deficiencies, we strengthen them.
Rather than telling people about…
what they
need to improve
what didn’t go well
how they should do it differently next time
Confront
them with their gifts. Talk to others about…
the gift
that you’ve received from them
the
strength that you see in them
Pay special attention to the setup for
gifts:
We focus
on gifts because what we focus on, we strengthen. In circle, one person
at a time receives statements from the others of what they have
appreciated from that person.
The person
says “thank you, I like hearing that.” Don’t deflect the appreciation.
Keep a complete ban on discussing weaknesses and what is
missing, even if people want this feedback.
Every gathering ends with this conversation.
The questions:
What gift
have you received from another in this room? Tell the person in specific
terms.
What is the gift you continue to hold in exile?
Summary of Questions
Whatever the venue, accountable community is created when we ask certain
questions. Here is a summary of the core question associated with each
stage:
1.
To what extent are you here by choice? (Invitation)
2.
What declarations are you prepared to make
about the possibilities for the future? (Possibilities)
3.
How invested and participative do you plan
to be in this meeting? (Ownership)
4.
To what extent do you see yourself as part
of the cause of what you are trying to fix? (Ownership)
5.
What are your doubts and reservations? (Dissent)
6.
What promises are you willing to make to
your peers? (Commitment)
7.
What gifts have you received from each
other? (Gifts)
These are samples only. The work is to invent questions
that fit the business you are up to and the conditions you are
attempting to shift.
Real
life is circular, not in a line as it appears on a page. Which
conversation, in which order, will vary with the context of a gathering.
Since all the conversations lead to each other, sequence is not
critical. The conversations as listed here, though, is the rough order
that usually aligns with the logic of people’s experience.
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